Help me improve a lyric

Community Hub šŸ—Ø Just Chatting
21

All improvements! Thanks.

I was just practicing it and I laughed out loud when I had to sing that dodgy line.

22

Iā€™m far from being a poet, especially in English, but here are a few ideas that occurred to me:

  • You are my treasure that no one can steal
  • No matter which way may turn Fortuneā€™s wheel
  • When you are with me thereā€™s nothing to fear

I tried to use 10 syllables as in the original but I donā€™t know the song, so there might be some room for flexibility with the meter.

1 Like
23

what ??? for a french it means ass :open_mouth:

24

I was waiting for the reaction of a native French speaker :smiley:

25

And now read Duchampā€™s letters below the picture, in French :wink:
LHOOQ

26

I did ā€¦ naughty boy !

made me think about this song from Polnareff

Lyrics

Alpha beta
Alpha BB

LNA LNA HO
LNA AOT CO
GAP LNA HO LNA HO
GAP LNA OO
LNA LNA HO
GAP LNA OO LNA HO

LHO LHO OLNA
LAOTCO OLNA
LCACBC OLNA
GCDGCD OLNA

LHO LHO OLNA
LAOTCO OLNA
LCACBC OLNA
GCDGCD OLNA

GTACBA OLNA
GCDGCD OLNA

LNA LNA HO
LNA AOT CO
GAP LNA HO LNA HO
GAP LNA OO
LNA LNA HO
GAP LNA OO LNA HO
OGACAP CO
LNA LNA HO
OJV OJV OO LNA HO
GAP LNA OO
LNA LNA HO
LHO LHO OO LNA HO
LHO LHO OLNA
LAOTCO OLNA
LCBCBC OLNA
GCDGCD OLNA

LHO LHO OLNA
LHO LHO OLNA
LHO LHO OLNA
LHO LHO OLNA

1 Like
27

First thing that came to my mind:

ā€œMy heartā€™s on the line, this needs to be realā€

Good luck!

Tod

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28

So far @mattswain is in the lead with ā€œthough youā€™re wrinkly and over the hillā€

Because Iā€™m old AF.

3 Likes
29

If itā€™s a short line I go ahead and change it to my liking, if itā€™s a dreadful section I just drop it altogether. I do this all the time ā€“ and frankly shortening a song or instrumental is always a good thing. Better to leave listeners wanting more than to drone on like a maniac. LOL

Also, as a guitar player you can even just play the melody.

3 Likes
30

Too much Christmas pudding, now I feel quite ill. :rofl:

I actually like the song especially the Troggs version which was a hit when I was young. The Wetā€™s version was very commercialised as it was used in ā€˜that filmā€™. My wife and I went to a Marti Pellow concert earlier this year and he still sings it.
You canā€™t really change the lyrics of a song that was no.1 in the charts for umpteen weeks and in the top 20 for umpteen more can you?

It was also one of my first AVoYPs on this site a few years back. (shameless self promotion) :rofl:

8 Likes
31

@sairfingers , it is an awesome chord progression.

2 Likes
32

:rofl: i thought only @brianlarsen gets away with that

First AvOYP, you havenā€™t aged Gordon :thinking:

2 Likes
33

Thanks for adding that. Bravo.

1 Like
34

I did this song in the Justin Community Open Mic, not the last one but the one before that i think. I rarely remember lyrics well when performing so maybe I already did an alternative lyric then :slightly_smiling_face:, must check when i have a chance.

1 Like
35

Iā€™m with Clint on this :smiley:

Agree :100:% :smiley:
Was vintage from the day he joined :rofl:

2 Likes
36

I think that it only needs a small but more meaningful change:
ā€œI know itā€™s true by the way that I feelā€
I think that the original is clumsy and doesnā€™t flow well.

2 Likes
37

This is much better.