Help me improve a lyric

[wdperkins]

In the spirit of Christmas I’m learning Love is All Around. But there’s one line that’s just awful; it sounds like something Spinal Tap would have come up with.

you know I love you, I always will

→ My minds made up by the way that I feel ←

There’s no beginning there’ll be no end

'Cos on my love, you can depend

What would be an improvement for that second line?

Edit: Today and tomorrow forever still?

PS The lesson for this is sort of funny. Justin forgets how the song goes about half way through and recommends just figuring it out

[brianlarsen]

@wdperkins

What would be an improvement for that second line?

Tbh, I’d rewrite the whole song
but off the top of my head, something along the lines of
“You woke me up with your red pill”

[wdperkins]

I’ll keep working

[Alexeyd]

I thought such a pill would be blue… and rhombic.

[mattswain]

I’m glad someone said that, I could feel my toes curling as I read the verse!

Even though you’re wrinkly and over the hill?

Love songs really aren’t my genre

[LievenDV]

you know I love you, I always will
But when we mee up, you’ve got no chill
So please, I’m begging, when will it end?
Can’t we just be “horizontal friends”?

[Socio]

@mattswain

Even though you’re wrinkly and over the hill?

is that your proposed alternative line or a rhetorical question to @brianlarsen?

[wdperkins]

I’m not really either, but it’s Christmas and I’ll probably watch Love Actually in the next week or two.

[SteveL_G99]

I haven’t tried much songwriting yet but how about:

“You’ve burned in my heart, your love is so real”

[wdperkins]

This is going down hill.

[Elixir1253]

Written by the Troggs, in 1966 or ‘67 at a guess, (I know I was in primary school at the time) … then covered by every man/woman and their dog over the decades … and 45+yrs later you want to change the chuffin’ lyric … ffs …

One for the algos, I guess … and good luck with that …

Have fun …

(AI was not abused in the writing of this post)

[wdperkins]

I can’t bring myself to sing “My minds made up by the way that I feel”!

But I’m a shit singer and mumble my way though anyway, so I suppose it doesn’t matter.

[brianlarsen]

@wdperkins

This is going down! hill

(+characters)

[Elixir1253]

I would normally only do that once, … but the system insisted on more input …

(AI was not abused in the writing of this post)

[TheMadman_tobyjenner]

If it was one of your originals I’d try and help but why rewrite what has become a classic and yes I was around for the original by the Troggs. If you don’t feel it don’t sing it. It would be like asking for advice to change

“In a word she can get what she came”

Sorry can’t help.

[brianlarsen]

It’s cool (cul, Q) to mess with masterpieces

[roger_holland]

(you’ve posted this before…better stolen well than poorly invented

[Jenndye429]

I’m with @brianlarsen here in that I would probably just chuck all the words and start over This song is definitely not my lyric style, but if you really can’t bring yourself to sing that line, how about something like:

“You bring me to my knees, make the world stand still”

Might be too many syllables, but you get the point.

[wdperkins]

A little further up it was compared to Stairway to Heaven, so I don’t think I’ll fool with the lyrics.

[adfac]

@wdperkins

you know I love you, I always will

→ My minds made up by the way that I feel ←

There’s no beginning there’ll be no end

'Cos on my love, you can depend

What would be an improvement for that second line?

Here are a few suggestions to improve the second line:

1. “My heart’s convinced by the love that is real.”
2. “I’m sure of us, it’s a bond I can’t conceal.”
3. “It’s clear to me, my emotions are sealed.”
4. “I’ve found the truth in the depth of my zeal.”
5. “I’m steadfast now, no doubt left to reveal.”
6. “I’m guided true by the love that I feel.”

Hope this helps.