LL Update July 2024
Hi everyone,
I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection recently with regard to my time on the guitar and I really felt like I just had to put some of it out there. My LL seemed like a good spot to park these thoughts. It’s a bit more personal than I typically would share, but I feel like this is a safe space to do so. It will be a bit of a long one so grab yourself a drink. Don’t worry, it’s nothing too crazy 
In late 2020, I found myself mentally floundering a bit, as many did during that time in the pandemic. From a very young age, I have always been an artist. The craft I chose went through changes as I got older, but an artist, still. From early childhood to early adulthood, it was theater. I probably spent more of my young adult life on a stage than I did at home 
Some of my most cherished memories come from those times. I did a lot of creative writing when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I even had a roughly 3 year window where I was an online “influencer” of sorts in the beauty space. I have always been at my happiest when I’m creating something.
Dan and I moved to Portland in late 2018/early 2019 after living in northern California for my entire life. Dan had spent some time living in New York for theater school before we started dating, so he already had the experience of living somewhere completely different for a while. I had never experienced that. In the process, I learned that it’s really hard to establish a new life in a new place as an adult. It was also made harder by the fact that I work 100% remote for my day job. I wasn’t forced to go out and meet new people. Though it may seem otherwise sometimes, I’m naturally a very introverted person. I don’t let others into my world easily. And then the pandemic hit.
I stopped doing theater, I hadn’t written anything for many years and the stuff I was doing as an influencer was no longer as fulfilling to me. I was feeling stuck. I was in a new home, in a new and unfamiliar place, without the support system of close friends and family nearby that I was used to having. I also had a family member that was having major medical issues at that time and it was very stressful. As a result, my creativity dried up and I was having a very rough time mentally handling it all. The lack of any kind of purpose and the isolation really took its toll on me.
I distinctly remember one evening where I finally just broke down. Dan noticed that something just didn’t seem right with me and I think I could no longer keep everything bottled up inside anymore like I tend to do. Though it felt awful in the moment, I think I just needed to let it all out. We had a long talk that night about what we could do to get me back into a better headspace.
It wasn’t long after this moment that I found the guitar. I don’t really know that I had any firm goals in mind when I first started- I just wanted to learn to play songs I enjoyed. Probably about a year or so in, I thought it would be fun to have a cover band. Dan had started playing the drums. I was perfectly happy to continue on that course.
As I mentioned in my previous update, that goal was completely turned on its head as I began to write my own music. The more I do it, the stronger I feel that this is actually my intended purpose with this instrument.
I remember the day that Dan and I were filming our footage for the video for Sirens. As we were setting up our lighting and getting ready to film my shots, I just had this wave of emotion hit me. I am supposed to be doing this. I am supposed to make music. I’m supposed to be a rock front woman I am supposed to write songs. It was just a sort of a culmination of everything that hit me all at once.
All of the “art” that I’ve worked on in my life came together in that one instant. My theater experience helps me with my performance and my singing. My writing skills help me when I’m figuring out song lyrics. Even what I did as an influencer plays a roll in helping visually construct scenes that work in music videos. It all made sense to me in that moment.
As I round the corner on nearly 3 years playing guitar (I’ll hit that goal in October) I find myself feeling incredibly proud and grateful for everything this instrument has given to me. I have a band that is working towards recording songs and being able to perform live. I have other musical projects in the works I wake up in the morning so inspired to pick up my guitar and create. I don’t know what if anything will come from any of this and that is ok. The gift the guitar has given to me is more than I ever could have asked for.
I know that people hit plateaus in their playing and may struggle with a lack of direction sometimes. We all do. My hope is that if my story can in any way convince someone to push through it, then it will have been well worth it.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far