Thanks for sharing the lyrics, Jeff! Sad story though, but that’s what I was feeling while listening, too. Now it comes together even more. 
My mother tongue is German. 
We started learning English quite early, but while listening to music, I get carried away a lot by the music itself. Reading helps sorting this out a little faster. 
Thanks.
Ausgezeichnet. Meine grosseltern war aus Stuttgart und mein uhr grossvater war ein General im erste welt-krieg. Er war aus osttereich. Ich kann gut Deutsch reden aber zwar mein grammatical ist furchtbar. lol. Ich war vier Jahre mit Der US luftwaffe und war in der nahe von Kaiserslautern und Frankfurt. Vielen Dank dass Sie meinen lied verstehen konnen.
Tschuss
Jeff
Hey Jeff, I checked out your recording this morning on my way to work. Firstly, congratulations on finishing your first (of many) originals. That is a wonderful milestone to achieve.
Good on you taking something that had a negative impact on your life and producing something positive out of it. Those songs are difficult to write and sing as you really open yourself up to the listener.
You have had lots of feedback. I think over the course of the year you have made progress and now that you’re righting originals you need to make sure you absorb every ounce of feedback, both positive and negative critique.
I had the same thoughts as @DavidP & @sairfingers about trying it on the acoustic, like @jkahn says something didn’t sound right with the recording of the electric guitar & I don’t think it was the Dm chord. IMO definitely worth looking further into the very helpful observation made by @sclay.
I’m looking forward to following the development of this song and your progress.
Jeff,
Way to go, man! Original song that had some dark & impactful lyrics… I don’t think there’s anyone I know who hasn’t been affected in some way by someone they know taking their life. So hard to wrap your head around when you see the beauty they have to give & not understanding their pain. Your song has soul!
As far as critique, I can’t add to the above but add my 2 cents in favor of acoustic. Enjoyed hearing your rendition!!! Nice job!!!
Tod
Thanks for taking the time to listen. I’m just a rookie stepping to the plate for the first time in the majors. If you or @jkahn think of what sounds off please let me know. The second verse was a true story. Sadly a suicide snd wasted life at the age of thirty.
Thanks for listening and I welcome all feedback, especially from those who have successfully made songs like yourself 
Thanks Tod. Fun fact one of the pitchers for the LA Dodgers has the nickname “the catman” and it makes me think of you whenever he strikes someone out. Lol. I loved your origin of the username post.
Thanks Jeff! Didn’t know that about another Catman out there… just Catwoman!!!
Tod
Hi Nicole,
If this song ever amounts to anything I’ll have to give you full credit as producer. I appreciate the feedback and agree my singing needs work. That seems to be the theme for all my videos. I’m just too quiet even with a microphone lol. I like what you said about me having something to say, because I do. I’m hoping someone can relate with knowing someone who threw it all away with a tragic death. It seems as though Tod can relate. I’ll give myself time to digest the feedback and try again. This was a big step for me putting myself out there to be evaluated. It is not the same feeling as a cover song. I’m glad I did though. Have a wonderful day z
Jeff
Just think of this as the first step. A seed, which will grow 
There might be things to improve, things that will sound better in the future , maybe you have to take a critical look at your strumming etc., but let this be worries for another day.
Right here and now: Celebrate this milestone 
Hi Jeff, oh wow, I see you’ve had some busy guitar days. First, your debut at the OM, and now posting your first original 
. Congratulations 
!!
I thank you for posting the lyrics as well. This made it much easier to understand this (sad 
) story.
Writing an original is something I’m currently lightyears away. So, I can’t really offer any qualified feedback, but want to echo @Lisa_S suggestion:
‘With a little more dynamics and variations in strumming, the overall depth and vibe will become even clearer or more touching.’
And thanks for this important point:
I guess, your own song is a bit like ‘your baby’. And as parents, we are quite sensitive when others evaluate our little ones, as they are so special to us. We sometimes tend to take it personally.
Take your time. This is a very nice song, and it will grow wonderfully, for sure 
.
Thanks a lot for sharing it 
.
Hi Nicole. Thanks for the positive feedback. I’m not sensitive to the feed but I loved your analogy comparing it to your kids. I just finished writing a strongly worded letter to our board of education about how disrespectful and awful my 10 year olds teacher is. She did some awful stuff last year and as a parent you just can’t tolerate disrespectful teachers for your kids.
For the song , yes it’s still a work in progress.I’ve spent 30 years trying to write something worth listening to, so I think I finally achieved that so it is a victory. Have a great night😄
Wow, Dein Deutsch ist gut und die Grammatik vollkommen in Ordnung.
Thanks for sharing some of your ancestry. I live close to Frankfurt and know Stuttgart quite well.
Your next original will be in Germand, then? 
Just kidding - haha.
Have a nice day, Jeff!
Naturlich etwas auf Deutsch. Ich liebe Die Toten Hosen
Congratulations on this amazing milestone Jeff! While I’m new to the community, such posts are inspiring to see how far someone can come like you have on your musical journey. You took a painful experience and made something beautiful out of it (literal music). I find that very hopeful, and I thank you for sharing that with the whole community. I really connected with the song, it’s mood, your voice, and the desperate almost hopeless yet still hopeful voice of making those broken dreams come true… someday.
Thank you my friend, and keep on rocking (and writing music) 
You stole my chord progression!
Just kidding
To clarify: Jeff asked me what I thought of the first verse in written form and I found it quite poetic. I was trying out a chord progression and felt it fit the theme well. So I sent him a rough draft recording. Happy that it inspired you Jeff.
But Jeff only took inspiration as he did the chord progression quite differently and all the melodies in the singing.
So thank you Jeff for the credits but I didn’t add the melody or music I just suggested a Am chord progression, but you made it your own chord progression as you saw fit for your ears.
I like the composition and I agree with most that the guitar tone is still harsh even with the louder voice. I honestly liked the sound of the acoustic more too (I think you played it very well), especially for this kind of poetic song.
A little input is also to try to get your fretting hand into the video frame. It’s easier to analyze what you did.
The tip about playing and recording the guitar solo and then singing over it to get a better flow is a good one I would emphasize. Helps to find rhythms in the lyrics that fit the flow.
The clarity of words and dynamics was much better than the first iteration I saw for sure. So it was nice to hear how the singing was intended.
Keep it up. I think you could take some more time to polish it. I see potential.
I’m not sure if you’ll see this now Jeff but well done on a great original. You have now joined the long list of people who are writing their own songs. Some good lyrics in there and nice chord progression too.
If you do make it back here we still need to talk abut your wrist action.
Hi Stefan,
I appreciate you watching my video and sharing feedback. I am still on an indefinite break from guitar, but that doesn’t mean I won’t return sometime soon. Thanks for all your feedback the past couple years. It means a lot.
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
To get to the finished article you’ve got to go through the stages - I think this is several steps along the way for sure. That said, when you write your own stuff you never seem to reach an end you’re 100% happy with.
Vocal has a good melody. I too get some Tom Petty in the delivery.
Song structure is good.
Suitably melancholic sounding.
Needs the spit and polish now
Digger
Hi, Jeff, that was a nice song to listen to. Found myself a bit nodding along to the rhythm. Good work