Hi everyone,
It has been a long time coming but it’s finally here. This is my first original song called someday, based on true events and feelings. I have to give full credit to Marcel for adding most of the music melodies. I was thinking angry rock at first but after hearing his melody the bluesy eagles type melody reall fit. Let me know what you think. I still have work to do but here I am .
Thanks @Siff for the music snd @JokuMuu for the motivation.
I added this second tape for a horizontal video . The vertical one looked odd.
Having seen the lyrics before, I am fascinated with the music and melody accompanying them. I think, you have something there @SDKissFan and @Siff. The chorus has been ringing in my ears for a long time after I watched both videos. “Maybe if I close my eyes…”. Really well done 
In my ears the song sounds more 1990s, and Jeff your voice does remind me a bit of Tom Petty
Overall in the mix, I would have liked to be the guitar a bit more silent and your voice louder, Jeff. You have something to say and I want to hear it. Especially the dark second verse, I want your voice to be more dominant there I could even imagine muted strumming in this second verse just to emphasize the dark feeling…
Bravo, Jeff. An accomplishment to write and perform an original song. It flowed along well, making me think of one of those longer Dylan or Springsteen songs.
I especially liked the accent on the bass notes at various points.
Have you tried performing it playing acoustic rather than electric? That might be interesting, given the tonal qualities of an acoustic rather than a really clean electric.
Now camera angles and video can be deceptive. Keeping that in mind, I am wondering how far back you are from the mic and the angle of the mic towards your mouth. It appears to be a dynamic mic. I think you get best results with those mics singing directly into the mic. They tend to have far better rejection, less sensitivity, to sound off-axis. From a distance perspective, some advocate getting right up close, so called kissing the mic. Personally I find it works better for me to be a little further back, around 6 inches. I turn the mic gain up a little and find I get a more consistent level as my head bobs around while playing.
Once again, well done on your accomplishments. Be proud and rock on!
Well done Jeff. To write and perform your own song is quite an achievement. Top of the class for you!
I agree with @DavidP about trying the song with an acoustic guitar. I think you’d get a lot more tone and dynamic. I thought you were playing with an acoustic until I looked more closely at the video and realised it was an electric on (presumably) a clean setting.
Wow! What a powerful song! Your lyrics are actually poetry! And your voice conveys that yearning for happiness and peace! Masterful!
Hey Jeff,
Congratulations mate. An achievement to compose your own stuff.
Some helpful comments here that I wont repeat, but in the end, you’ve got the genesis of a great tune.
Just one observation if I may, and one I’ve seen on a few of your videos with the electric. You’ve gotta tame that strumming action mate, as your attack on the strings is generating some dissonant tones. Particularly on open chords on the electric, you need to be develop a fairly high degree of string accuracy and muting, otherwise you’re gonna generate some nasty overtones.
All the best, and again, well done.
Cheers, Shane.
Congrats on writing your own song. I know that can be a lot of work.
TBH, I think it’s not quite there yet Jeff. Is your guitar in tune? Something sounded off.
Hi Jeff - well done! There is nothing like the feeling of creating your own music. Please keep at it, and you will find, like practising the guitar, that practising your songwriting will come along as well. You’ll find that you begin to listen to other songs with a discerning ear, picking up how others have crafted a song.
I also find it is useful to record my guitar by itself - usually with a metronome or click track in my ear so I keep time - then practice singing to the guitar recording. This helps focus on one thing at a time. If you don’t have recording software, there are free or low cost ones available to get you started e.g. GarageBand for Apple devices, or Audacity, BandLab or Reaper for Windows. There are tons of videos for beginners of home recording also.
Keep us updated on your songwriting journey!
Thanks for listening. I was in tune, but what you heard that sounded off was likely D minor. My hands have arthritis and it sometimes affects my hands fretting the d minor. It’s something I need to work through. This was just a first take anyways for feedback. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Hi David,
Thanks very much for the feedback. I’m glad to hear you enjoyed the melody overall. I’ve been trying for many years to get a song together worth listening to that has a decent melody. I did practice on acoustic as well and I’ll take the advised give it a go on acoustic guitar. I just bought that microphone on Friday to use for the open mic show, so still figuring out the best angle, etc. for good sound.
I appreciate you taking the time to listen. I think I’m coming along well , and not forgetting my early days fumbling around trying to make basic music in time.
This was just s first take to upload for feedback.
Jeff
Hi Gordon,
Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts. I’ll definitely try it on acoustic to see how it sounds. Per Nicole’s comment, maybe the loud electric drowned out my voice a bit. After thirty years of trying to write a song that es not awful, I’m thankful No rotten tomatoes were thrown 
Thanks a lot for listening. I’m glad you enjoyed the song.
Hi Andrew,
That is a great idea. Thanks very much for the recommendation. I’m glad you took time to share your thoughts. Recording software makes a lot of sense. I’ve also sent this to Marcel to see what he can do to add some background effects. He is a professional DJ and I’m still lost when it comes to that sort of stuff.
Jeff
Congratulations on writing an original song Jeff. I know you have been thinking about it for a while. I agree with some of the others that this song would work better on acoustic! Be proud Jeff!
Hi Jeff,
congrats on finishing your first original! This is quite a nice feeling, right? 
Would you mind posting the lyrics as well someday? As being non-native, I like to read along to understand for the first few times, especially when I have the feeling the artist has something to say - which is the case here.
There is already some good advice here to work on, I will not repeat, but to add:
You definitely have something here that will grow with you and your skills and which you can come back to and build it up. There is a lot of potential in it. I like the dark mood and the melody. With a little more dynamics and variations in strumming, the overall depth and vibe will become even clearer or more touching.
You can be proud of yourself, Jeff. Well done, mate! 
Congratulations Jeff on getting your first original song down. I really enjoyed. Liked the guitar strumming driving the song along and I thought you did a great job with lyrics. I hear a hint of Lou Reed in your voice.
I agree with
perhaps to bring out the chorus a bit more from the verses.
Fantastic job
Hi Lisa,
Here is a copy of my lyrics I wrote. Thanks for listening. I’m curious what is your first language?
Thanks for listening Eddie.
Thanks a lot Alan. This was just a rough draft of a song. I still have more to do. Now I have to go listen to Lou Reed. I think you said the same in the open mic lol. And Nicole says Tom petty lol. I’ll have to do a cover of their songs to compare my voice to them haha.
