Check lyrics for boring, obvious, cliche, lazy and cringe

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1

Hi @LievenDV and @Richard_close2u and anyone else who cares to wade in.

Lots of re-writes and edits in this one, following some really helpful comments. I’m going to let this one stew for a while and come back to it in a couple of weeks.

Song one:
We’re not joking anymore

V1

We told you this would happen, how could you not have known

We told you this when we began; you sleepwalked into this one

Our lips collapse in scorn at this joke without a punchline

Please don’t try to tell us that you didn’t see the signs

Chorus

Get out of here, disappear

We will disappear you

Get out of here, disappear

We don’t want you

V2

Were we expected to explain; two syllables or less?

How this was going to work, and what would happen next

A badly written one act play, your mask has started slipping

The birds of prey are circling and clocks are tick tick ticking

Chorus

Get out of here, disappear

We will disappear you

Get out of here, disappear

We don’t want you

Bridge

We’ll pick up like we always do, reconstruct and annotate

Modify and rearrange, resubmit and agitate

The bonfires of your edifice are noted ‘round the world

You’re going down for what you’ve done, we think you’re a disgrace.

Chorus

Get out of here, disappear

We will disappear you

Get out of here, disappear

We don’t want you

3 Likes
2

Song 2:

Sarah Sheppley’s Late Again

Edited V3

Verse 1

Morning is a broken shoe that kicks her out of bed

Last night cakes her face, her eyes are sore and red

Cup of coffee, cigarette, dregs go down the drain

Fleeting thoughts, a silhouette; Sarah’s late again (Sarah’s late a…)

Chorus

Sarah Sheppley’s late again (x4)

Verse 2

Her watch has no agenda, the clock outside, the same

They closed their doors to business around lunchtime yesterday

There is a standing argument she has with linear time

She asks nobody, really; is her lateness such a crime?

(Is her lateness such a….)

Chorus

Sarah Sheppley’s late again (x4)

Verse 3

This is her endless struggle, now she’s running up the stairs

A radio that can’t transmit, all disconnected wires

It’s not a fight she’s going to win, her tardiness remains

And so, she realises, Sarah’s running late again

(She’s running late a…)

(She’s running late a…)

Chorus

Sarah Sheppley’s late again (x4)

Bridge – ( change key or change chord progression )

Does any of this matter, Sarah Sheppley’s made of gold

She laughs at the suggestion she should do as she is told

She looks over her shoulder, winks at you and bats her lashes

Deciding she’ll be ready when the world has gone to ashes

Chorus

Sarah Sheppley’s late again (x4)

4 Likes
3

I like song 2 more than the first

It had a nicer flow and storytelling and there is some kind of “setup to conclusion”.
not a strong evolution but more than in the first song

The second one has some fun imagery, like “morning is a broken shoe htat kicks her out of bed”. A good start.

Don’t go into AABB rhyme scheme too much.
You start strong here, with even less than a “half rhyme” with same and yesterday
in combo with the tight rhyming below, that doesn’t bother too much

Her watch has no agenda, the clock outside, the same
They closed their doors to business around lunchtime yesterday
There is a standing argument she has with linear time
She asks nobody, really; is her lateness such a crime?

Sometimes your rhyming is a bit -too- tight, like in:

Don’t imagine that this time we’ll act with seemliness and grace
You’re going down for what you’ve done, we think you’re a disgrace.

when words are a part of the following word or vice versa, it feels a bit awkward

I like how it runs up to the chorus with the same line; Kinda like Paul Simon does in “50 ways to leave your lover”

BTW, be prepared to rework lyrics as you try to put musoic on them.
It is a CYCLIC process. you will adapt phrasing and syllables to match music, you will adapt flow of the song, adapt lyrics again etc… it is not a “waterfall” process where you do lyrics first and they are final!

Conclusion;
I like the activist nature of the first one and the Suzanne Vega vibe I get from the second one. You are well on your way to pour these into full blown songs.
switch things around here and there and make your AABB rhyming ABAB in some places and see what it does for you. don’t forget of ye old but powerfull AABA. Today again, I heard Phil Collisn do it in the first part of the chorus of “No Son Of Mine”. actually it was AAAA, with lines 1,2 and 4 being “you’re no son of mine” :smiley:

Thansk for sharing, you surely have it in you!

3 Likes
4

Thanks man!! Will give it a few more go’s for sure!!

5

definately no. 2 :slight_smile:

1 Like
6

I like this one, I am guessing it’s an observation of teenage angst and angry parents? I can relate to it as it resonates with me. I think this is a good candidate for a New-Punk type riff with attitude. :sign_of_the_horns: :sign_of_the_horns: By the way I was there when to happened. :grinning_face:

1 Like
7

Way too good, both of them.

Extra marks for getting ‘seemliness’ and ‘tardiness’ in. Reminds me of Henry Priestman’s lyrics (‘tantamount’, ‘suffice’) in this respect.

1 Like
8

:+1: Haha - yeah I did get tardiness in… thanks

9

Viv

The second lyric is far more involving for the reader / listener: there are echos of Paul McCartney’s ‘Another Day’. The first lyric is a bit drab and monotonous: it needs more colour and / or action; if it was one of mine it would probably stay in the book with so many other ideas not worth pursuing (and, as a frustrated songwriter myself, I’ve written scores of those!). I look forward to hearing Sarah’s song.

Brian

1 Like
10

Yeah, I know what you mean - there’s too much ‘telling’ and not enough showing. Also angry, hectoring etc is a bit boring… I need to find a way to be more subtle and add more senses and metaphors etc. I’ll let it stew for a couple of weeks and see what happens.

1 Like
11

I, too, liked them both, but preferred the 2nd one, which I think is very good.

In the spirit of constructive criticism, I will say there is one line in the second song that I would rewrite:

While most of your phrases are quite original, this line includes two rather common (i.e. cliché-y) expressions. Maybe “hope in hell” can stand (I like the alliteration!), but I would find an alternative to “hasn’t got a prayer”, I think.

Overall, though, a fine effort, especially the 2nd song.

1 Like
12

That’s really helpful!! Thank you

1 Like
13

Hi Posting more lyrics in a different thread because I don’t know how to link it to my other thread - technical advise please?

This was the song I wrote doing Keppie Coutts’ 7 day songwriting thing. The subject I was given was ‘kitchen table’ but since I don’t have one of those - I wrote about an table in the art room at school instead.

V1

Etched her hope and wonder onto the art room table

Sketched her plans on paper and painted them with sable

Gouged them into wood with compass point and pencil

Table took her dreaming weight and handed back potential

Chorus

It’s in her blood, It’s in the blood

It’s in her blood, It’s in the blood

V2

Moved off to the city when she was grown and ready

Wasn’t offered brass, she didn’t want confetti

Inhabited her freedom to trip the light fantastic

And walked her path of colours in the scheme of the chromatic

Chorus

It’s in her blood, It’s in the blood

It’s in her blood, It’s in the blood

Bridge

Sometimes felt unsteady and often been ill-compassed

She’s been deceived and broken, when she has asked for comfort

But she is the creator, of this woman’s story

She’s fallen on the floor and she’s risen up in glory

Chorus

It’s in her blood, It’s in the blood

It’s in her blood, It’s in the blood

[mod edit - work in progress recording here: Progress on 2 songs and 1st attempt on new one ]

14

@viv_cee What genre of song is it?

Repetion is good (IMO), so the chorus works for me.

“Inhabited her freedom” doesn’t sound like a cliché to me. I think it’s inventive and thought provoking.

Something like “Threw of her chains”…“to trip the light fantastic” would be more clichéd.

You could think about something like

“Slipped her stifling harness”…“to trip the light fantastic”

Or “Slipped life’s restraining yoke”…“to trip the light fantastic”

Hopefully these trigger some thoughts that get you lyrics you like.

Good luck with it. The words will come to you

1 Like
15

Amazing Simon - thanks for this!!!